My Notes on Raising a Husband and Family

2008-04-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

Today I have been thinking about a subject that may be a little misunderstood - COURAGE. Most people think that courage is what takes place when a person does something like rescue a little baby from a burning house or save someone from drowning. But, the older I get, the more I realize that courage is more than that. It takes a great deal of courage to face life's ordinary, everyday challenges. Every day we make choices which prove to the world, and ourselves, whether or not we are courageous. It takes courage to stand up for your convictions in given circumstances instead of caving in because it is more comfortable. It even gets down to the fact that we choose either to believe God is Who He says He is and trust Him or to cower in fear and doubt.

Some even say it takes courage to build a meaningful marriage. I can see that it takes an enormous amount of courage to let your spouse see you for who you really are - good or bad. It also takes courage to look your spouse in the eye and let him/her know that the marriage is in trouble and that you need to do something about it. What I'll call "relational courage" also applies to parenting. Doing the right thing when your child throws a temper tantrum and really looks cute (ugh!) but needs discipline takes courage as well.

I have come to realize that courage is only attained when I face my crippling fears and not run from them. Courage is something we all need and God wants us to have it. He says, "God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power." But, I do have to go after it. So, here I go!

2008-04-16T13:28:00.001-07:00

I know it's been a very long time since I've posted but today I thought I would share a little of what God is doing in my life.

At 61 years of age, you wouldn't think I would still need this, but God has been working on me in the area of CHARACTER. Character has been described as "who you are when no one's looking". This is not to be confused with Reputation, which is "what others think of you". I desire to be the same ALL THE TIME! I do understand that, in the time we are living, Character is an endangered quality.

I can't find this word in the Bible but I immediately recognize its absence - in me and others. It is not what we have done, but who we are! I do understand that developing character takes a long, long time. It's one of those things in which you take two steps forward and one step back.

There are many character qualities that I need to work on - such as: courage, discipline (that's a big one for me), tough love and most of all, the character of Christ. I'll probably talk more in future posts about each of these qualities specifically.

As I try to work out this thing called Character, I'm reminded by my Lord that it doesn't matter how wonderful your character is, it will never be enough to earn God's approval. It is not a way to earn salvation. Praise God that this is a gift from our Father. Nope, can't earn it. It's a gift. I'm so very thankful for that.

Since Character is our world's most pressing need, I press on to this high calling. To the extent that our own Characters grow stronger, the world will be a better place. I want to be a part of that!

2007-06-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

On my way to work this morning, I was deeply touched by a message on the radio by Dr. James Dobson, Focus on the Family. It was from 29 years ago today and was regarding Dr. Dobson's relationship to his father. Dr. Dobson stated that he asked God for a word, His word, concerning the family and this is what God gave him: "Our country can still be saved if men, husbands and fathers, will step up to the plate and be the men God created them to be." What a responsibility! I believe this to be true.

He gave statistics that were shocking - and, remember this was 29 years ago. He said that research was done to show exactly how much time fathers were spending with their kids. The fathers were first asked how much time they felt they were spending with their children on a daily basis. The consensus was an average of 37 - 40 minutes a day. Then the real test came! Tiny microphones were placed on children in these same households to find out exactly how much time fathers were spending interacting with their kids. The results were shocking to all! The average time fathers were spending with their kids per day was 37.7 seconds - not minutes - seconds. What does this tell you about the relationships these fathers had with their kids?! Oh, so sad!! If any dads read this, PLEASE put your family before anything else - job, hobbies, and yes, even church. You have it within your grasp to leave a living legacy to your family. Make this a priority each day. You won't regret it!

At the end of my life - when all is said and done - I hope my children and grandchildren will be able to say that I gave my time to them. It is my sincere prayer that I don't just spend time - but quality time - showing them the ways of our Lord. I want to make a difference in their lives.

2007-06-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a while but just haven't taken the time. Today's post will just be a bunch of "ramblings" that have been going around in my head for a while.

I've been thinking about how much laughter helps us through life. Then Sunday Chris preached about that and used an illustration I love about the movie, Monsters, Inc. I love that movie and know it well since my precious little grandchildren love to watch it. Therefore, I love to watch it, too. The story is a really good lesson for all of us. If you aren't familiar with the movie, it's about a company of monsters who make electricity using the screams of children as these monsters scare them. Then, they discover that the giggling and laughter of children makes more electricity than the screams. (Get the message - laughter is a good thing!) I really believe this is true in all of our lives. If we are positive and allow laughter to be a part of our everyday lives, it will take us through many trials. Sometimes this is easy to forget. But, we do have a lot to celebrate in our lives - no matter what we've been through. Each new day is a gift from God. I try to thank Him each morning for that day - another chance to live for Him - another day full of His grace. I want to practice thankfulness each day.

Sometimes I think we spend our lives waiting for something better to happen and we miss the many opportunities for happiness that "slap us in the face" daily. You know the way we ladies are - we want a prettier, bigger or CLEANER house before we ask friends over. My, we miss out a lot of good times if we keep waiting.

Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that we should delight in the small things. I think the older I get, the more this become a reality in my life. Things that I never paid attention to in the past, are really special to me now.

You've probably heard the old saying, "Slow down and smell the roses." Well, there's a whole lot of truth to that. It seems that time goes faster and faster and faster. That makes it more difficult to take the time for "smelling the roses". But, I think it's really important to make yourself enjoy the trip and not just the destination.

I'm also learning to listen to people. In the past, I would carry on a conversation with someone and leave without remembering a thing they said. Now, I try to "really" listen to what people are saying and "what they aren't saying".

I guess I can sum all of this up with two words - CELEBRATE LIFE! That's what I want to do for the rest of the days God has for me.

2006-12-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

I am reading an excellent book right now that I feel is worth passing along. It's entitled Cure for the Common Life by Max Lucado. The chapter I just finished that I really want to pass along to you is called Decode Your Kid's Code. It has some wonderful thoughts on raising kids that I wish I had known years ago. Max is saying so eloquently that every child is "uncommon" and, as parents, you are given the task by God to unlock the door to your child's uncommonness. He states, "As parents, we accelerate or stifle, release or repress our children's giftedness. They will spend much of life benefiting or recovering from our influence." His take on the scripture in Proverbs 22:6 ("Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.") is unlike any other I've ever read. He gives the root words for "train up" as "to develop a thirst". He says we, as parents, are required to "awaken thirst" in our children. He suggests that when babies are born, they come with preprogrammed hard drives. Where the scripture says, "...in the way he should go", Max's take is that "way" refers to a unique capacity or characteristic. He says that "way" can also mean "bent". He says that God has already "bent" your child in a certain0. direction. He hands you a preset bow that you secure until the day of release. Raise your child in the way "he should go". So we are required to read our child's God-designed itinerary. "Don't see your child as a blank slate awating your pen, but as a written book awaiting your study." Isn't that awesome?!! It changes the way we look at our newborns, doesn't it? I always thought that I had to "make something" of my little ones. But, according to this newfound information, I should have directed them in the way that God had already preset them to be. Like I said at the start, I wish I had known this years ago. I'm sorry, Michael, Donnie, Angie and Liz. I did the best I knew at the time and, thank God, He took over where I failed.

Now, you guys can take my advice and do better than I did at this parenting thing. Isn't that what we want for our kids - to do better than we did? I think so.

Please get the book and study it from cover to cover. It's full of wisdom and so well written.

2006-09-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

Gary D. Chapman, in his study entitled "Communicate Love to Your Spouse" says he believes there are only five languages of love. Each person uses all the languages, but really thrives on one. The better you speak your spouse's love language, the stronger your emotional love life will be. For those unfamiliar with love languages, here's a brief course:

Words of Affirmation. Proverbs 18:21 says that the tongue has the power of life and death. This language uses words to honor and appreciate your spouse.

Gifts. A gifts tells your spouse that he/she was thinking about you. Gifts don't need to be expensive. After all, it's the thought that counts, isn't it? With gifts, it isn't what you give, but how often you give that communicates love.

Acts of Service. The Bible tells us to love not only in word but in action. Acts of service include: washing the car, walking the dog, changing the baby, doing the dishes, or whatever needs doing.

Quality Time. This means giving your spouse undivided attention. Maybe it's a picnic, a weekend away, or just muting the TV. The important thing is the two of you focusing on each other.

Physical Touch. We've long known the emotional power of physical touch. Holding hands, embracing, a back rub, even putting your hand on your mate's leg while you drive.

So, how do you discover your spouse's love language? Ask yourself the following questions:

"How does my spouse most often express love to me?" If they give you words of affirmation, that may be their love language. They're usually giving you what they wish to receive.

"What does my spouse complain about most often?" Our complaints reveal our deepest desires. This can give you a hint at your spouse's love language.

"What does my spouse request most often?" If your spouse routinely asks if you would help make the bed or give the children a bath tonight, then Acts of Service may be his or her primary love language.

You need three things to be a successful lover:
1. Information. What is your spouse's love language?
2. Will. Love is an active choice.
3. Frequency. Use your spouse's primary language to express love regularly.

This is really good information given by Gary Chapman who is a marriage and relationship expert. HOPE IT HELPS!

2006-09-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

I had another thought on communication that I believe is worth sharing. A good way to improve communication with your spouse is to use only words that are good for the edification (building up) of your spouse. The scripture speaks of the mouth speaking what fills the heart. If our heart dwells on bitter resentment or uncontrolled anger, then the words we speak will be full of attacks, slander and hurtful accusations. If our heart dwells on Christ as our model for love and forgiveness, our words will be tenderly gentle, kindhearted, forgiving, with the heartfelt purpose of edifying and encouraging our spouse. The Bible warns us to not let any unwholesome word proceed from our mouth. Our purpose should be to bless our spouse with our words, paying close attention to the need of the moment, giving grace to our spouse through our words. Proverbs 15:1 says that harsh words stir up anger. Later in the 15th chapter of Proverbs, it is stated that a timely word that is full of tenderness and compassion is delightful. Let our desire be to bless our spouse with words that build up and encourage.

I would like to recommend a book for your reading. It is titled "Families Where Grace is in Place". This is one of the best "family" books I've ever read. Of course, it talks about giving grace in your family life. It is well worth the read.

We'll talk more later.

2006-09-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I was waiting on the Lord to give me a subject matter. I don't like to ramble just for rambling's sake. Finally, I feel He has given me something else to say to anyone who wants to listen.

I believe one of the greatest problems in marriages is communication or the lack of may be a better way to put it. There are lots of reasons for this problem and I'm going to spend a few posts talking about the obstacles to good communication and what to do about it (as I see it).

Undoubtedly the problem of communication started in the garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. I can just imagine Adam or Eve saying to God, "She (he) doesn't understand me." Things have been going downhill ever since.

In my feeble opinion, time is probably the biggest obstacle to good communication between couples. We are entirely too busy these days. While nothing often seems to be wrong between couples, they often will admit that they are functioning on "autopilot" where their spouses are concerned. Meaningful conversation takes a backseat to childcare, soccer practice and other activities involving children. Problem spots are also activities at work, church and maybe even too much television. When a couple does talk, they often find themselves falling victim to only discussing urgent, pressing financial or fammily circumstances instead of what is important to bring them closer in their marriage. Couples MUST learn to have daily meaningful times of communication. The payoff are REALLY, REALLY rewarding.

I'll have more on this at a later date. Meanwhile, keep talking.

2006-06-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be nice if, upon leaving the hospital with your new little bundle of joy, you were given a step-by-step approach to parenting? Having that precious little one is such a blessing but sometimes leaves his or her parents scratching their heads and spending lots of "knee time" in prayer trying to figure out the best way to raise this little one that God has so graciously and miraculously blessed you with.

It all starts with bringing them home and they, hopefully, sleep a lot. It seems all they do is sleep, eat, poop and sleep some more. What a wonderfully easy time of parenting. Then, before you know it, they are deciding that THEY want to decide when they will be awake, when they will eat, etc., etc. In other words, they begin to insert their own little authority and want to be "the boss". So, this is your first attempt at discipline. You wonder if you should do just as they wish (after all they are so tiny and precious) or make them fit into your schedule. I don't think anyone really knows the answer to that one. I believe that you just have to "feel your way" with each child. I had four and each had their own individual personality. What worked for one didn't necessarily work for any of the others. The first thing that I know for sure is that when they are little is the time to establish your authority and set boundaries that they will understand. If you neglect to do this at an early age, for whatever reason, you will most certainly have to face a much more difficult task when your little one gets older. It gets harder as they grow!

The second thing I know for sure is that all discipline and boundary-setting needs to be demonstrated with total love - and never out of anger. Sure, you may be angry with your child at times, but you should take a minute to "cool off" and then deal with the situation. I know that administering discipline is very often frustrating but there is no substitute for a loving mom and dad teaching the child the "laws of the land".

The third thing I know for sure is that you have to be consistent with your boundaries. There are many times when it would be so much easier just to ignore the little "lawbreaker". Don't they always misbehave when you are on an important telephone call or in the middle of a conversation with someone? But, it's best to stop what you are doing and take care of the situation right then and there. (Believe me, they really do think they can get by with breaking the "law" when you are busy with something else!!)

The fourth thing I know for sure is that there is a difference in a mistake and willful disobedience. For instance, if a child continues to spill milk at the table, that's not willful disobedience. That's a childhood error that occurs in all households. Willful disobedience is when they look you straight in the eye, give you that cute little grin, and do what you just told them not to do. That's when discipline is called for.

The fifth thing I know for sure is that it is essential to always balance firmness with loving sensitivity when disciplining. Regardless of what the liberal world says, spanking can be a valuable disciplinary tool, if administered appropriately. It is not the best way for every child or at every age. I have found that a short "time out" works well on some children. This is where the little one has to sit alone and think for a minute if what they just did is worth being separated from others. You just have to see what works best for each individual child.

The sixth thing I know for sure is that there are a few skills that you must teach your children while they are young. If you don't, the world will "beat" it into them later. Self-control, respect for authority - these are just a couple of the things you are commissioned to teach your kids. They must have these skills in order to meet the demands imposed upon them by school, peers and even jobs later in life.

The last thing I know for sure is that the Lord will continually be your guide through this uncharted sea of life. You just have to spend time with Him each day to get His directions for you that day.

2006-05-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

When you think of your childhood, do you feel warm inside or full of anxiety? I believe it is the mother in the household who sets the "aroma" of the home. What atmosphere or "aroma" do you want your children to look back on when they are older? The environment you provide in your home will have a dramatic influence on the lives of your family and it will last for many years. At 59, I remember well the times I was sick as a little girl and what a "special occasion" my mother made this. She would fix me whatever I wanted to eat and spend lots of time reading to me and playing with me. This was a time of nourishing and I remember it like it was yesterday. She made being sick as great as it could be!

Focus on the Family uses the acronym AROMA to provide a simple reminder of how to maintain a family fragrance conducive to positive family relationships.

Affection - Families that display genuine affection for one another effectively arm themselves against a cold and uncaring world.
Respect - Respectful relationships hold others in honor so they recognize their true worth. Respectful families develop manners and courteous habits. Respect also inhibits destructive self-criticism.
Order - is the result of managing and modeling godly leadership in the home, resulting in a refuge of calm.
Merriment - is an atmosphere of enthusiasm coupled with uninhibited laughter and noise.
Affirmation - lets your family members know who they are as well as whose they are. It's not about whether they won their last soccer game or received the best salesman award. It's about our true love for them and the high esteem we hold for them. True affirmation ultimately comes from God.

Wouldn't you love to grow up in a home like this? If you need to change the atmosphere in your home, it's simple. Start right where you are! Then look for opportunities to do a little more each day to improve your family's fragrance.

2006-05-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Just a few words today on how to boost your mate's self-esteem. Have you ever heard the term "sweet spot"? Well, I believe there is such a thing as a "sweet spot of praise" built into our men. Ladies, try to find out what he really wants to hear from you. Maybe it's that he's handsome, a good lover, a good father, good at mowing the lawn . . . . But, whatever that "spot" is in him, make your admiration meaningful and from a sincere heart - one that really sees his good traits and desires to praise him for them. The more you praise him and admire him, the more he will make a healthy habit of performing for you.

Men, like women, need to feel capable in several areas of their lives: mental, social, physical and spiritual. More than anything else, though, he needs to know that your love, not unlike God's love, is not dependent on how he looks or what he does. You love him unconditionally - even if you don't like him very much at any given moment. You've probably learned by now that loving and liking aren't the same thing. Liking depends on the circumstances and love is "all the time". Why don't you make a list of all the things you appreciate about your husband. Take time and ponder this. Then let him see the list with examples of each good trait. After showing your list to him, keep it handy so you can refer to it often - as a reminder to yourself of how blesed you are. Please remember to be sincere and not phony. Don't simply go through the motions. This will probably do more harm than good. NO FLATTERY! Praise and admiration must reflect genuine feelings to have any value. If you don't mean it, don't say it.

Remember that you never know how long you have to work on building him up so make the most of every day.

2006-05-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

I hope you don't think by my title that I think your job is to actually "raise" your husband. That title was just to get your attention. I just read the scripture that tells older women to teach younger women how to:

1) love their husbands,
2) love their children,
3) be self-controlled and pure
4) be busy at home
5) be kind
6) be subject to their husbands

So, this blog is simply my attempt at passing on what I have learned from many years of experience. I certainly don't know it all, but I have some insight that I pray will help some of you younger ladies out there.

Men and women, as you know, are blessed with many unique characteristics. You will be very wise if you have a desire to understand your husband's needs and then set out to meet them. Genesis tells us that God created two sexes, not one, and that He designed each gender for a specific purpose. You are given by God to your husband as his helpmate. This doesn't mean that you are his doormat, but put by his side to help him be a better man of God.

Men have needs that are distinct to their gender. I think they like, above all, to be respected. They work hard to provide for their family and that should never go unnoticed or unappreciated. Praise goes a long way with a man!

Dr. James Dobson did a survey a few years ago to determine what men care about most and what they hope their wives will understand. The results were surprising. Men did not long for expensive furniture, well-equipped garages or a private study in which to work. What they wanted most was tranquility at home. They work daily in environments that are competitive and stresses of surviving professionally are severe. Therefore, the home needs to be a haven where he can return each day and find peace. I tried to have soothing music playing, candles burning, etc. When my children were small, I tried to have them busy with something when my "honey" came home so he could relax for a few minutes before they "jumped" him.

Communication - now that's a word! I think this is a very vital part of a marriage relationship. Someone once said that "Communication is to love as blood is to the body." Take the blood out of the body and it dies. Take communication away and a relationship dies. I don't just mean exchanging information - I mean sharing feelings, joys, hurts, disappointments - who you really are. Usually the wife does a better job of this than the husband. (That's not always true because my husband talked more about his feelings than I did.) But, generally, this is true. Communication is a learned skill and it's often hard work. You should reserve time for meaningful dialogue with your husband. We used to take walks or go out for dinner to have our talks. Sometimes we had pillow talks at night, but, if your conversation is going to be "heated", perhaps bedtime is not the right time. I believe good communication can help fan the flames of your love.

Since we live in a "fast food" world, we can all work on patience as a virtue. Since our marriage takes time to develop, we need to learn patience. Irritations and annoyances ARE GOING TO HAPPEN. Patience is needed for the "long haul".

"Commitment" is not a popular word in our culture. Our society emphasizes individual rights and personal freedom. Commitment in your marriage means putting your husband's rights and needs above your own. This doesn't mean you give up all your freedoms or choices, but it does mean your commitment to your marriage relationship supercedes your own rights. I always felt satisfied in my life when I focused on my husband's needs and how to creatively meet them.

Finally, I'll end with a quote I heard recently: "The stability of marriage is a by-product of an iron-willed determination to make it work."

2006-04-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

Just a few notes on intimacy in marriage. I can't say a whole lot about this on this page, but I do want you ladies to know how very important this is in marriage. (I'm sure you've figured this one out already!) I am a firm believer in giving your husband something to come home to. I believe if you keep him happy at home, he'll not want to stray. By no means am I saying that if a man is unfaithful it is the wife's fault. That is NOT what I'm trying to say. I just think there is a much better chance of keeping him at home if he has something interesting and exciting to go home to. (Got it?!)

I can think back to many times when I had to get "creative" with my "man" in order to keep life interesting for him. There was the time that we had very busy schedules and hadn't spent much time together. So, I called his office, talked to his secretary and made an appointment with him under an anonymous name. He comes strolling up to this hotel to meet this "old lady" who needed financial counciling and there I was in a room with flowers, candles and wine. (You get the picture!) We spent a wonderful weekend relaxing and enjoying one another. He was totally shocked and talked about that "appointment" for many years. What I'm saying is that you have to be creative, ladies. I know how hard it is when you have little ones or even older children and you are exhausted at the end of the day. But, remember his needs as well as your own.

We tried to make it a habit to have at least one date a week. And, believe me, that wasn't easy to carve out of our busy schedules with all our children and other activities that we were involved in. We decided early on that it was good for our entire family if we had our relationship intact. I believe that's one of the best things you can do for your kids. They love to see mom and dad loving each other.

2006-04-28T05:45:00.000-07:00

My Notes on Raising a Husband and Family